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January 23, 2006

I'm back in Amherst. Writing this at Raos Cafe. Feeling lonely...

A group of teenagers are sitting in front of me. They all look very insecure, particularly the girls. I hated it when I was a teenager. I was lost without any support, especially when I came to America.

Something really bad has happened!!! I've lost my ipod. My life has no soundtrack now. Can't afford buying another one. Maybe I buy a secondhand from ebay.

Going to work tomorrow. Hopefully Ruth needs me. I want to work more hours this semester. My financial situation is horrible.

Posted by amin at 7:07 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2006

Watched two documentaries. One on the American physicist, Richard Feynman, and the other on Henri Cartier-Bresson. Both fascinating. Although one is a scientist and the other an artist but both are equally admirable. Full of passion. Feynman really surprised me. He's one of a very few scientists that you can actually see the spirit in them. The others being Galileo, Einstein, and Darwin. Each time I go to MIT to hear a speech the whole place makes me depressed. Scientists have become technicians, robots. They don't seek "wisdom" anymore. Only "knowledge". It is wisdom that brings self-awareness and lightens up one's being.

Finished Odilon Redon’s journal and now have started on Delacroix’s. Although Redon had some interesting ideas but his journal wasn't intimate. It lacked the small and unimportant events of everyday life. Delacroix’s is much more interesting. I've totally become addicted of reading journals!

Had a long philosophical conversation with Ben. He's really smart. A good-natured and sincere person. Although we always have different positions on things but it is such a joy to talk to him. We talked about evolution, its relation to religion, Islam, and consciousness. His main question was that why the spirit has to be non-material. He studies mathematics. I have always had a deep love for mathematics. There is a spiritual side to geometry and mathematics which attracts me. I remember the first time that I learned about Pythagoras I was blown away.

I’m going back to Amherst tomorrow. I have much more independence there which makes me happy. I’ve come to dislike Boston. Well, not Boston itself. My situation in Boston.

Posted by amin at 4:14 PM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2006

A friend of mine asked me today that if it were possible to spend the whole day with one of the people I admire the most who it would be. I didn't have an answer then, and I'm still not sure. But of one thing I'm certain. Only a gaze at Rembrandt's eyes would suffice.

Posted by amin at 7:28 PM | Comments (0)

January 16, 2006

It's a very cold night. I'm in my warm bed. Outside, there are many without a home. Cannot help but think of them. It brings me great sorrow. Is God keeping them warm?

Posted by amin at 3:04 AM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2006

It was a good day. Spent the whole time with Ali. Went to the library, ate dinner in a Chinese restaurant, library again, and then watched a film. Ali was working on a paper about Mosadeq, and I finished Josef Herman’s journals. I’m so happy that I picked up this book. Came to me by chance. I was on the 9th floor of Du Bois library, looking at the titles. I was just interested in reading an artist’s diary, and Herman’s book grabbed my eyes. I’m sure I’ll reread it at some point in the future.

Talked to Ali about Van Gogh and his prophet-like life. Van Gogh; a man that I would proudly cut my both ears for.

Thought about my grandfather. My mother. Their loneliness.

Posted by amin at 12:31 AM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2006

Came back from Lakeville today. I had such a good time with M. She took me to bowling. I hadn’t played in three years. Last time in Los Angles with Shahraad. It brought back many memories. This time was better though. I liked the place a lot. It was full of working class men. Not a single female beside M! Was such a joy to see them laughing and playing. Playing with their cracked hands. Sadness in their eyes. On an old man’s shirt was written “Life is not certain”. Very true. A reality which we do not want to accept.

M got a haircut. She wanted to do it like Brigitte Bardot in "Le Mépris". She looks beautiful. Much more than what she thinks.

Watched Woody Allen’s “Melinda and Melinda”. What a fantastic movie! It asks a great question: is the essence of life “tragedy” or “comedy”? My answer; “tragedy”. Allen’s answer; “it’s relative.”

What does my existence mean to the Universe? Nothing? Everything?
What does the Universe mean to me? Nothingness...

Posted by amin at 10:48 PM | Comments (0)

January 10, 2006

I turned 22. It feels better than being 21, and I'm sure being 23 will feel better than being 22. I want to age until 40 and then stop. I wish it was possible to grow but not to age. The bad thing about aging is not getting closer to "death" but the physical and mental decline of the body. I've always thought that I'll die at a young age but I don't think I'll be fortunate enough! Death is in the hands of destiny.

Watched a documentary on Richard Avedon tonight. He's one of my true heroes in photography. I immensely respect his work. He's among a very few photographers that their pictures deserve to be shown in the Louvre.

I'm almost finishing Josef Herman's journals. He was such a profound man. Full of deep thoughts and feelings. One can find many insightful ideas about art and life in his words.

Going to Lakeville tomorrow. I terribly miss M. She brings so much joy into my life.

This is the first journal that I'm writing. I don't want it to become a daily habit. Usually when something becomes a habit it loses its essence. I see these writings as a journey of self-awareness, a record of work and ideas in progress.

Posted by amin at 1:41 AM | Comments (0)