November 12, 2008
I was psychoanalyzing myself today. When I’m honest with myself I can clearly see that fatalism, cynicism, and nihilism dwell deeply in my being. I have to replace fatalism with resignation, cynicism with hope, and nihilism with love. Otherwise nothing of spiritual and aesthetic value can be done or created. But more importantly, I cannot be myself…I am not myself now. And the reason I know that is because I feel the absence of me in me. I never think that I am not a scientist now or that I am not a pilot now because their absence doesn’t bother me. But not being myself agonizes me to the extreme. I’ve done everything that is in my power to do. Studying, thinking, meditating, conversing with others, observing, hedonistic pleasures, bearing calamities…Am left powerless. “Baashad ke az khazaaneye gheibash davaa konand.” All I can do is to patiently wait for that…I know that there is enough patience in me. “We charge no soul with more than it can bear.” I should learn to trust in this.
Posted by amin at November 12, 2008 6:23 PM