« | Main | »

January 6, 2009

I turned 25. I was thinking today that I never experienced childhood, adolescent, and youth the way most people go through these stages of life. I’ve lived the same ‘inner life’ since I was five. Either I’ve lived like a man since I was five or am living like a five-year old now that I’m a man. My feelings about myself or the world around me have not changed by the passing of years. I never experienced the pure joy of childhood. Nor the raw emotions of adolescent or the hopeful ambitions of the youth. From childhood I experienced helplessness, from adolescent confusion, and from youth, up to now at least, unfulfilled expectations. But amidst all these misplaced emotions, I’ve witnessed and experienced intense moments of such sublime worth that sometimes I’m grateful that my life has not run a normal course. The joy of hearing my mom’s voice reading her favorite poems to me; the simplicity of my grandfather’s night prayers; the unstoppable rush of adrenaline when my father surprised me with a hardcover edition of Sohrab’s poems; the Friday morning soccer games at the Mellat Park where every second of the 90-minute games was experienced for its own sake; the grandiose echo of Azan right before evening prayers of Ramadan; the beautiful autumn’s of New England; study nights with Ali at the 9th floor of the UMass library; the burial of Ammeh Zahra; hearing the sound of church bells in the silent nights of Amherst Pond; the shining stars of Palm Desert; Obama’s victory; the New Year Eve of 2006; watching Charlie Rose every night at 11 PM; M’s first magnetic smile…

I’m tired of walking with uncertain steps; acting with an undisciplined will; speaking with a tied tongue, looking with impure eyes. This life of indolence is sickening. I must conquer my Self. I must affirm myself. I must surrender. The voice of conscience must be the only voice echoing in me. Silence must be the only guess present in the house of my being. Now many uninvited guests dwell there: thought, noise, regret, remorse, ambition, expectation.

What will become of me? I’m not sure. I don’t even want to come up with an answer since anything I say will be based on my past experiences and to judge the future based on them paints a cloudy picture. Never before have I felt this empty and lost. I wonder if it will ever change. It is not depression. I’ve been depressed before and am familiar with the feeling. This is something else. I’ve decided to wage a war against myself. I hear the sound of the trumpets. Wish I had the two-sided sword of Ali. Only for him were the two sharp swords of Hope and Fear united in one undefeating sword. Most go to war holding only one of the two in their fists…

A voice in me says that I must take a radical step. In what direction I don’t know. I have no fear of the consequences and if had the slightest idea of my next step, I would take it manfully. I better be patient and let the finger of God point me the way.

Posted by amin at January 6, 2009 8:24 PM


Post a comment

Remember Me?